In Vino Veritas
Anything to do with wine always comes with a pretentious connotation. People pay hundred or thousands of dollars to let bottles collect dust. Counterfeits of vintage wines have sold for hundreds of thousands.
At tastings they examine the color, swirl it around in the glass, smell it, sip it, savor it. This is properly known as Wine Degustation. That doesn't make it sound much better.
Obviously, making wine is a delicate artform, but just like other works of art, most of the interest in it comes from the hefty price tag that makes it pretty much exclusive to the wealthy and prestigious. I think the Mona Lisa is fucking hideous, but still it sits untouched in a case full of electronics so sensitive it can detect swelling of the wood the ugly bitch is painted on at one eigth the width of a human hair.
So you can't enjoy wine without feeling a little self-loathing at the snobbishness of it all.
UNLESS...you follow these simple steps:
Get a cheap wine. It will make everything just as blurry and tingly as the expensive shit. I prefer wines from the psychoses-ladden soils of Wisconsin where I come from. Door county wine is good, and generally under twelve bucks. And the cork won't crumble and fall in. For something a little different try the cranberry. It's good shit.
Now all you have to do is chug it from the bottle. The moment you put it in a glass you're a pretentious little bitch. I am a strong believer in drinking booze right out of the bottle. Whiskeys, bottom-shelf vodkas, blackberry brandies...mixing them or transplanting them is just plain blasphemy.
Plus, the drunker you get the more challenging it is to not break the bottle. Keeps it interesting. Especially if the bottle does get broken and there are shards of glass in a room full of other drunk people. And the contents of the bottle have spilled out and you run around pissed off accusing every innocent bystander of drinking it.
Anyway, the bottle is equally as important and artistic as the wine, so why seperate them? Who gives a fuck if the wine is light, medium, or full-bodied? If that is what you're drinking it for then you need a new hobby.
Wine, just like every other liquor, was intended for running away from problems and getting laid. It is instrumental in making porn, accidental suicide, and anal sex. If you are using it for any other reason, you may have a problem. Don't worry, there is help out there. You are not alone.